With the mock election results rolling into the yearbook class and the whispers that notify the graduating class of 2017 who has won them, I have found it hard to bite my lip. Mock elections are good in some ways and in other ways, they are subjective and misleading. Something I will never understand is why the teenage mind works in a way as to where we find these crucial and important to our high school experience. I remember a couple years ago, the past yearbook advisor was not going to insert the mocks into any of the pages and the graduating class of 2015 fought for them. It seems silly, to me, that there was an entire group of people fighting for more labels.
We go through high school wishing we could shake our labels, wishing we could have never had them. And for what? So we can leave high school with a new label? I am very understanding that a mock election is not what defines me. I also understand that what others think of me is irrelevant. However, something about being with the same group of people for 14 years feels intimate and noteworthy, as to how they feel towards me sort of does matter. I worked hard to be kind to you, to empower you and let you all know that you have the capability to do great things, only to be recognized by something I have also worked really hard against.
I was voted for the class drama queen. Let me tell you that I am not upset so much that I am a drama queen. Of course I am, all teenage girls I have ever met are drama queens. Nonetheless, I am upset that a class I respect voted me in for this, especially when I am very open about the thing that makes me this way.
When I asked why I was voted the class drama queen there were many mixed responses. Most of them along the lines of, “Well you have a tendency to throw a fit over the little things.” I know this is true. I hate using my disorder as an excuse, but in this case it is just truth. As a person living with Bipolar Disorder I am constantly going through cycles of highs and lows. I can never tell when they are coming and sometimes when I am riding a low, I am there a long time before I realize it. When it catches up to me, every single emotion I have felt over the duration of that low comes flooding out of me, usually in the direction of something small, something insignificant that my brain decided was the best thing to get upset over. I can understand, as an outsider, how that would look. I can understand that it would look extremely overly dramatic and ridiculous, but there is so much more there.
The worst reply I got in response to my question regarding why I won this title was, “Well you were in a mental hospital for like ten days and made it a big deal.” My mind went blank, I could think of nothing to say in response to this but to walk away. Yes, I was in a mental hospital. I did not really tell anyone where I was unless they asked so I am very lost as to where the big deal was. Spending time in a psychiatric ward made me a stronger person, it made me a better and more understanding person. I would not trade that experience for anything in the world because, at the time, it was exactly what I needed. I do not, in any way, think that going there made me weak or dramatic.
So yes, I am upset that I won the class drama queen. And before anyone tells me I am being over dramatic about winning, realize that by saying this you are basically telling me that I am not allowed to have feelings and that they are not validated. But you now what? They are. I have worked so hard over the past 14 months to find treatment that works for me, to stop my outbursts, and to find a happy medium for my overall emotional and mental state. I am an overemotional person by default, I cry when I am upset, happy, frustrated, and everywhere in-between but my gut knows that I did not win for this reason. I am working to be a better person for myself but right now I am hurt, right now I feel very misunderstood and very misjudged. I will not accept this mock due to the circumstances that brought it upon me. I apologize to anyone that this may upset.
The Drama Queen